Suffering While Cycling, Get a Grip

The cessation of suffering comes from letting go, but first you have to get a grip.

~ Thanissaro Bhikkhu

On a sunny, warm Thursday afternoon, while pedaling through a neighborhood just outside of town, I experienced the “not-so-much.”  They were driving a large red Suburban, two kids sitting in the backseat, and a yellow lab sticking its head out the passenger side window, pointing its scent sensor toward the road ahead.  Before encountering this vehicle, I’d been riding on a high, exchanging waves, nods and various verbal pleasantries with numerous pedestrians, fellow pedalers, a few car drivers, and a couple simply sitting on their stoop. The Suburban was approaching very slowly, the driver driving toward me with caution and care. The driver appeared to be looking right at me, our eyes clearly meeting as they neared.  I started to raise my left hand from my handlebar grip, signifying my intent to wave.  As the driver approached, they stared, then abruptly turned their head and averted their eyes, passing by without waving, nodding, or acknowledging me at all.  The kids in the backseat also looked, and appeared to see me as well.  And, they, too, did not wave or nod. The pup did point their sniffer my way, then returned to snuffling the scents of the street.

Most bikers (powered by petrol or pedals) are familiar with “the wave,” “the nod” and “the not-so-much.”  “The wave” can be a vigorous shaking of the hand to passersby.  Most often it’s the simple lifting of a few fingers from one’s handlebar grip, or the lowering of one’s hand just above the knee.  “The nod” is a quick and kind bow of the forehead.  These silent salutations by and between (and, certainly not limited to) bikers, hikers, and automobile drivers can be uplifting and energizing, signifying friendly expressions of solidarity and reciprocity.  They draw our attention to our connections with one another, communicating, “I see you” and perhaps, “I’m glad you’re here.”  

The “not-so-much”?  Well….  Initially it can appear like the potential of a wave or nod.  The person coming toward us can seem to be looking right at us, seem to be preparing to lower their forehead or raise a few fingers from their grip, hip or steering wheel.  But then, just at the last minute, sometimes while or after we have nodded or waved, they turn away, stare straight ahead, or even seem to glare right through us.  The “not-so-much” can be quite disconcerting, leaving us feeling dissed, denigrated, even disavowed.  I used to struggle mightily with the “not-so-much,” taking it personally when someone didn’t acknowledge my nod, or return my wave. I assumed in those moments that the other person was disrespecting or repudiating me, and would often feel dejected and disappointed, sometimes even enraged.  “How dare they!” I’d think, and stew about their not-so-thinly veiled insult for the rest of my ride.

Buddhists believe that it is important that we get to know and become comfortable with our experiences of dukka, how we engage with, cling and respond to dissatisfaction, pain, and suffering.  The Four Noble Truths, which Shakyamuni espoused after sitting and awakening under the bodhi tree, encourages us not to first seek enlightenment, but rather to get to know dukka in order that we might overcome or transcend it:

Suffering exists;

A cause for suffering exists;

An end to suffering exists;

The way to exist free of suffering is to follow the Eightfold Path.

Ultimately, what the Buddha is offering is a way for us to see what we are clinging to in this life, how clinging leads to suffering, and how to let go, ending our clinging and thus our suffering. For me, the wave and the nod personify comradery with fellow humans when I’m on my bike.  As my intention when I nod or wave is to convey “Hey there, I see you,” I have admittedly interpreted others lack of nodding or waving as somehow communicating “I don’t want to see you,” “I don’t care that you’re there,” or something worse.

The thing is, the driver of that large red Suburban could have been heading to a funeral, might have been late for an appointment, may have already been having a bad day, or simply didn’t see me.  It’s also possible that even if they did see me, even if they did not have something else distracting them or weighing heavily on their mind, their lack of attention had nothing to do with me.  It wasn’t about me.  And, I imagine that rarely is it about me, or you, personally.

People have all sorts of reasons for missing or passing up the opportunity to connect with others.  Yeah, sometimes their decisions are born of particular biases: race, religion, sexuality, what car someone drives or bike they pedal, what political party they embrace, the company they keep, or whether they speak with an accent or regional dialect.  And, sometimes people have other things or nothing on their minds, don’t see the opportunity in front of them, or simply just don’t want to wave or nod.  There are myriad reasons for how and why people interact with one another or don’t.  And, letting go of our tendencies to interpret, feel unseen or unheard, or the numerous other thoughts and emotions that arise when someone doesn’t respond to us in the ways we think or hope they should, is like a slow steady slog up a straight steep hill.  Yet, as we pedalers all know, getting a grip and sustaining our stroke is the only way to get to the top.

The not-so-much exists;

A cause for the not-so-much exists;

An end to taking it personally exists;

The way to exist free of feeling dissed, denigrated or disavowed on the bike is to keep pedaling the path.

What are you taking personally that perhaps you don’t need?  What are you clinging to that leaves you feeling disrespected or repudiated?  How might you get a grip?

Pedal on, my friends!